So you know how on the eleventh I wrote about petitioning to God about just being able to be friends with him without having to be hurt [link]? I'm not saying that God answered my prayer, and this was more of a prayer oriented towards the near future but definitely not for the time being.
Anyways, getting to the point, surprise surprise - he ended up contacting me that night. I simply deleted his message and eventually blocked his number. At least think I blocked his number... I deleted it and then told myself it'd be best to block him so I had to re-enter his number momentarily but I'm unsure if I entered the correct one... which is a good sign! I'm genuinely slowly starting to forget bits and pieces of him, but I won't ever entirely forget him, unfortunately.
I'm not necessarily saying this was any God-given sign to reach out to him, as I know deep in my heart that I am not emotionally ready to be talking with him again, but I was always one to believe in coincidences - and my own personal walk with God was never one to disprove this belief (but for other people, it might be different, if you get what I mean). I essentially prayed for an opportunity to converse with him again in an 'emotionally neutral' manner. Although an opportunity for me to converse with him again did rise, I definitely doubt it would not be stressful for myself. Plus just being able to know him so well, I am confident in saying that he does not understand self-control as much as he thinks he does and I can predict him trying to get us to meet in person again (because he already tried this not too long ago).
It's honestly still very difficult - not as difficult as it was four months ago - but still an internal struggle inside of me to let go of him everyday. From going to the top of that hill and still crying my eyeballs out to deleting every known, easily found photograph of him everywhere on social media to finally removing him from my iCloud contacts and now officially blocking the last method of communication he has with me .... I'll just say I've been rather reluctant and it really breaks my heart to do all these things. However, if I want to protect my heart and learn to love better, even to love him better as a [lost] brother in Christ, I recognize the immense need to let him go and trust God to work with him.
I will always keep praying for you. And, I don't mean this out of pity but out of love, at this point in your life, I'm pretty sure I am the only one praying for you - praying that you continue to seek truth, that somehow you learn to be humble, that you learn to be compassionate, and that somehow you may reach a point of brokenness and desperation which you crave the ultimate truth (Jesus Christ).
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And yes, I realize I can't keep praying for him the rest of my life. I've also told myself that I should start praying for my future husband - that he is a man after God's heart, that his #1 goal in life is to seek first the kingdom of God (Matthew 6:33), and that hopefully I meet him soon! But I'm not too concerned about the timing of that meeting at the moment... there are more important priorities in my life right now and I am thankful for them.
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