This morning I decided to take initiative in my academic career and head out to SJSU's pre-admissions center (for the second time! yay) I also very, very briefly talked with someone in the CD&S department office. Both ladies were very nice, but honestly did not possess enough knowledge with regards to answering the questions I had.
So, I resulted back to looking through the CD&S website and thoroughly looking through their FAQ page. It answered a lot of very useful questions, but not all of the questions that I had. I also know SJSU faculty advisors only help currently enrolled students, but I decided to go ahead and email the CD&S one anyways. Hopefully she gets back to me but if she doesn't, I'm prepared to attend one of their informational meetings that they'll be holding. The first one will be in October which is a bit of time from now.
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I was also really tired today, since I didn't get much sleep for sleeping from 10:45 to 5:40-ish, and there was still much ZzzQuil in my system. So I went to Starbucks in the morning and ordered a grande green tea latte, and the cashier only charged me $2.45 which had me surprised because a grande latte is usually $4.00+. When I found the mistake (she had charged me for just green tea), she still gave the latte to me anyways. She also told me to keep the receipt because I could order another grande iced drink after 2:00 pm for $2.00, which I did after work to get some energy because I had to meet someone at church.
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Today during my personal Bible study, I really felt the presence of God today. I've been reading in our landlord's backyard - which is actually quite a beautiful one. There's a green lawn, two waterfalls, an.. attached-to-the-ground gazebo?, two singing chairs, wind chimes, and vines - lots of nature and stuff to feel at peace in nature, basically. I began to really recognize his presence (I mean I always KNOW he's there, but feeling it is entirely different) after reading Proverbs 19:17 - "Whoever is kind to the poor lends to the Lord,
and he will reward them for what they have done."
For me, that was just a reminder to care for whoever and whatever the Lord cares about, which is essentially everyone. And I don't know if this was just me being selfish or not, but it just got me thinking to one thing that I still care a lot about - him. Reading this was just also a nice reminder that God also cares about what I care about.
So I petitioned to God about being able to be friends with him without having to have feelings for him, if it's in His will. If not, I don't want to go against His will, but I believe I could still have a holy sort of relationship through a simple friendship if God wills it to be that way. Unfortunately, I don't think I will ever stop caring and loving (loving is not always being in love!) for him as a person and friend. I guess this is the curse I get for knowingly disobeying God... Well honestly, 'curse' is a bit strong of a word. I'm glad I still care for him this much, but out of this brokenness I have been able to experience and express love to others like never before. In the grand scheme of things, this brokenness was meant to be and I am honored to have it.
I will be honest and transparent here in saying that I still miss him immensely. The sensation of missing him is definitely still just the feelings that are still lingering, as I know I don't really like him as a person. Life-wise, I am way out of his league and it was just impossible to grow as a person being so intimate with him as I was. When bad or good things happen, I still have those urges to want to talk to him - and when moments like that occur I know that I'm just missing the relationship. But I honestly do miss talking to him as a friend. He was different and I guess that was one thing I liked, but being different isn't enough to sustain a relationship.
Tomorrow I am going to a worship night with a good friend and I also plan to wake up early and get some more quiet time with the Lord in the morning.
For me, that was just a reminder to care for whoever and whatever the Lord cares about, which is essentially everyone. And I don't know if this was just me being selfish or not, but it just got me thinking to one thing that I still care a lot about - him. Reading this was just also a nice reminder that God also cares about what I care about.
So I petitioned to God about being able to be friends with him without having to have feelings for him, if it's in His will. If not, I don't want to go against His will, but I believe I could still have a holy sort of relationship through a simple friendship if God wills it to be that way. Unfortunately, I don't think I will ever stop caring and loving (loving is not always being in love!) for him as a person and friend. I guess this is the curse I get for knowingly disobeying God... Well honestly, 'curse' is a bit strong of a word. I'm glad I still care for him this much, but out of this brokenness I have been able to experience and express love to others like never before. In the grand scheme of things, this brokenness was meant to be and I am honored to have it.
I will be honest and transparent here in saying that I still miss him immensely. The sensation of missing him is definitely still just the feelings that are still lingering, as I know I don't really like him as a person. Life-wise, I am way out of his league and it was just impossible to grow as a person being so intimate with him as I was. When bad or good things happen, I still have those urges to want to talk to him - and when moments like that occur I know that I'm just missing the relationship. But I honestly do miss talking to him as a friend. He was different and I guess that was one thing I liked, but being different isn't enough to sustain a relationship.
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