My greatest urge now is to respond back to you - but I know that for you to learn your lesson, I also need to learn to stand my ground. And I definitely view this standing my ground as a form of letting go.
So, I will use this blog as a means of talking back to you (not that I haven't been doing that already).
So why? Why are you bothering to reach out to me again? What are you expecting to happen?
Why do you refuse to be honest with yourself? I'm not saying I'm not like that sometimes, either, but it is something I am striving to learn. The people I have chosen to be around ever since breaking away from you are humble, honest, loving, self-disciplining, compassionate, hard-working, open-minded, and open to correction. They're not like that all the time, but when they stumble, they humble themselves to realize their wrongdoings, and try, try again. They recognize that they're only human but as a human being, they have so much capacity to grow. They also recognize that they will continue to fail in the future, but to not let their failures define them. They recognize the need for community and transparency and recognize that being vulnerable is not equivalent to not being a strong person. These are the people I want to grow into the likes of, which are honestly extremely different from you. (Long story short, you have a terrible character.)
It's sad I have to say that because of what we went through and what happened to us, any kind of connection we have in the future, if any, can only be all or nothing. We both know what happens when our lives intertwine, so the only other alternative is to not even be involved in each other's lives. And I personally can't just have you as a friend, knowing what it's like to have you as a lover. Even though I know that my feelings are just feelings and not actually any kind of wise discernment of once choosing to be with you, feelings are stressful to deal with and nobody likes stress. If anyone craves negative things like anger, stress, and sadness, they honestly need psychiatric help. I definitely don't mean that in a judgmental way - I'm aware of a variety of the root causes for people to seek after and be addicted to negative emotions..
... Anyways, going back to the point - just stop. However, if I could respond, this is what I would say:
What the hell are you doing? You need to let go of me. I'm trying with every ounce of my being to let go of you and with you acting like this, the process of us both of us moving on in life is going to be delayed. Even though you may not have any intentions towards me anymore, the mere act of you thoughtlessly reaching out to me proves that there is some part of you that is insistent on holding on for whatever reason.
I sincerely still love you as a friend, and by showing so, I am choosing to let you be as I understand now how discouraging and how much of a nuisance I once was towards you. But I also love myself, and am choosing to not put myself in a situation of heartbrokenness again. Please know that being able to talk to you and not be with you is still emotionally excruciating and incredibly stressful for me. If you have any compassion within you left, please be a good friend and a good person and understand that whenever you are reaching out to me, you are still hurting me, whether you intend to or not.
I could very easily ignore or block you from ever contacting me, but it breaks my heart to know that you can't even understand where I'm coming from - you can't even understand the methods in which you hurt people because of whatever alternative motives you have in mind. I'm hoping this message lets you understand your hurtful nature and allows you to maturely discern what the best thing to do is on your part.
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