The college group I'm in (L2) planned to have a glow-in-the-dark session of ultimate frisbee tonight. Instead of going, and me being the introvert (plus just also feeling legitimately sick), I decided to go to my neighbourhood indie coffee shop and read; read some of the Word,and finish up on other books I've been reading.
I went about two chapters into Ecclesiastes and this older, African-American man comes up to me and asks if I'm studying the Bible, and I caught-off-guardedly respond with a yes. He goes on to ask me why I decide to read the Bible, why I decided to follow the path of a Christian faith when I could have had the whole world at my fingertips with other things, and what made me decide to give up my life to God.
My first thought was, cool, I can share my testimony with this dude... sort of? He actually ends up talking quite a lot about his life and essentially shares with me his testimony of him deciding to follow Jesus. But I do share my testimony with him about demonic nightmares and eventually having God stop them.
So he tells me about his life - his childhood, his parents and stepparents, his adopted siblings, his studies decades ago and his studies now, what he's done in the past, how he's travelled the world, what he's viewed as lessons in his life, and how he's continuing to walk in his faith (albeit in a very different manner than I am). He kind of does pour out a lot of his life story and at times I thought this guy might be high or something because his eyes were bloodshot and being a bit rambunctious...
But he proves he's genuinely tuned in to the environment around him, especially after I start to pour out my life story, haha... Honestly though, I'm not one to hide anything. If you ask, I will speak truth and be vulnerable if I have to. I honestly don't even care if the person this blog has begun to revolve around finds this and begins to read it - because it's all truth and it's all about speaking out from the depths of the human heart.
So I tell him about my school situation, my work situation my family, my faith, growing up in the church, and lastly, you. Of course you. To some extent I'll gloss over the topic of you with most people I come across, but since this guy was open about what happened to him, I gladly shared about what happened with you. Among other advice this guy gave me regarding work and my change of major, he definitely gave me a lot of advice regarding how to deal with you in the future, should I ever come across you again. He was advising me that I should not cast pearls before swine, to give you tough love, and to stand my ground if you are ever to get any kind of message from me. He was telling me that I should in no way run back to you again (not that I want to in that kind of manner). I mentioned you wanting to be friends still, but he was saying that since you and I had such constant and strong physical intimacy with each other for a period of time in our lives, it's going to be extremely difficult suppressing those feelings if we're talking with each other but not being with each other. He pretty much told me what I had been telling you.
I even know these things myself, and many people have been telling me these things. I am a jewel and a princess of the most high king - I'm sorry if that sounds cheesy, but it's true. If I am to be with someone, they are to be respectful and not have me compromise my most core beliefs. These are things you definitely could not do nor offer me. And if you saw me for the pearl that I am, you would not have tried to change nor spiritually corrupt me.
So this guy and I talk for pretty much three hours and in the end he admits that he's attracted to me, would like to see me again, but would just want to keep a friendship. I'm a bit iffy on the last part and still am, so perhaps I'll just stick to being connected with this guy through social media. He tells me that he feels alone in this Christian walk and then I find out it's because he hasn't been plugged into a Christian community for the past two decades or so. So I tell him I'd gladly help him get connected to one of the three churches I know more of. But I'm sorry - he's just so much older than me and it's just really weird... He had given me much encouragement and inspiration about life and growing in God this evening, and he's told me I've done the same for him despite my lack of experience in life, but if what's done is done, why drag it on?
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Yet still, no matter how much people tell me to disregard you and to be cold towards you and to just not care about you anymore, I still can't bring myself to do that. Given time, I might be able to do that. And even in the moment, I could be in total agreement with what people have to say to me regarding how to treat you ... but drawing back into myself and simply talking with God again, it still doesn't feel like the right thing to do to you.
And now I'm just at odds at exactly how much of my feelings are dictating my thoughts. Sometimes I get a clear view and if I could quantify the amount - sometimes I feel like my feelings are 50%... and then sometimes I feel like they're 15%. For safety's sake, I've just decided to wait things out and take life day by day, despite my temptation to want to reach out to you. But I am always, always, always praying for you. I just feel regretful that I saw the darkness in your world and know now how dark your world continues to be, yet I decided to do nothing about it and am still doing nothing about it. Well actually, I'm praying for you now. I'm praying for you now - I wasn't before when I was with you, and I suppose for the time being, for the sake of my own heart, that is enough because God is working on my behalf. I trust that God is shaping you to be the kind of person He wants you to be to potentially help expand His kingdom in the future - and you will be a strong person with a powerful testimony to help many others who have experienced what you have gone and are going through.
But still, still, still, still.... there is always that urge to reach out to you again. How do I make it stop for the sake of my own heart's protection....
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