I am in

tremendous pain and heartbreak and grief right now, I wish I could do anything to stop it, yet I know the best option is to run to God but I don't even know how to do that.  God, why can't you be more tangible?  What the hell does it mean to run to you?  Do I just pray?  I've prayed so much already and I will continue to pray, but can't I have some physical comfort?

Yet why do I do this to myself?  I've resolved to remove all photographs of him. He's nowhere on social media for me anymore - even off of my photography facebook page.  He's off of my facebook. flickr, and tumblr.  The last thing I have to do is rid of this pack of film photographs I have of him.

But oh my goodness, my heart... every time I come into contact with him again, I feel like I'm going fifty steps backwards and I'm back where I was two months ago, when I saw him last.

I essentially have to being living like he's dead for me to really move on.  I need to stop checking to see if he's on facebook, and I need to stop addressing him in second person on this blog.  I can't even figure out why I'm so sad.  I mean yes, I can't see him anymore and to a degree I miss him.  I guess it's just that connection I feel like I still have with him that I shouldn't be acting on.

Yet the person whom I thought I had a connection with literally does not exist - seeing him the way he is now, people change, or reveal their true character.  Either way, at least for some time, he was just putting on a front for me.  He literally does not exist, and I can't impose my imagination on another human being.

It's okay, Tiffany, little baby steps...

... but can't I just tell him that he is loved?  

I know I can't... he'll just have to discover it for himself through whatever God is having him go through at the moment.  And I've prayed a prayer of trust and I will continue praying that prayer without specifically bringing up his name, which God already knows about - a prayer about how all these other people in the Bible trusted God and He proved faithful every. single. time - and I just need to remember these times and remember also how God has proved faithful in my own life.  Not that God needs any proving, but I just really need reminding because my heart is suffering so much at the moment.

.. help