I finally realized that

I've still been trying to talk to someone who doesn't exist, a figment of my imagination, for the past few months on this blog.  And even worse, I've been trying to impose that imagination on another living, breathing human being - a framework he was never supposed to be in - and I finally realized how that's not really loving him as a fellow human being.  There aren't any crazy expectations any more, but I've still been imposing an expected image onto him, and in that sense, it's not love in any way.  Plus, it's just making this letting go prolong itself and making it so much harder and more heartbreaking to let go of what happened.

But you know who does exist and who will love me back?  You, God.  Granted, I also have an image of you that I've been taught to impose onto you, but as I read you word and fellowship with other believers, I am convinced and inspired that I get to truly know you as each day progresses.  I'm sorry for failing on love again, Heavenly Father.  But at the same time, I am hurting so, so, so much.  I know not to set myself up for expectations to be healed in a certain amount of time, as I know that will stress me out so much more.  But Lord, is there any way that this could just stop?  I know it's the relationship with you that I have to improve on, and the connection with you that I have to grow in, but this heartbreak is still going to stunt any growth or improvement of those.  And I just wish it could go away.

Yet do I really feel loved by you, God?  I don't really know if I feel like I've received your grace?  I've mouthed it all, and I know human emotions are faulty so just feeling or not feeling something isn't the conclusion of anything.  But I do acknowledge your grace, God, and I really do sincerely thank you for sending your son Jesus to die for us so that we may be able to walk intimately with and spend an eternity with love.

Anyways, honestly speaking, at least in this point in time, it is not well with my soul.  Could there be a way that I can be able to feel your comforting and your grace, God, in any physical form?  My eyes are so weary from crying all day and night.