One thing that helps me maintain my sanity when I feel that occasional hollowness and loneliness is the reminder of one of my end goals. Especially since the loneliness I've discovered to feel after what happened in April, this reminder is really essential for me when I have certain temptations to reach out. The reminder is that the whole point of dating and finding a mate is to eventually marry them - and marriage has to be in the back of your mind. Someone may not have any expectations for the time being, but it's so essential for me to think now - 'Would I honestly want to spend the rest of my life with this person? Would he be a loyal husband and a compassionate father?'
And with regards to you - you definitely fall short of the simplest things to be a good husband; this is what has helped me in this process of letting go (note that I didn't say that I have let go entirely, giving you up entirely definitely takes time). I'm not saying that I make the perfect wife either (although you did not refute that), but at least I am striving to make myself marriage-able. You, on the other hand, still possess the thought process an adolescent. Your physical development was challenged as a preteen, and I feel like like your emotional and cognitive development still haven't reached the potential it could be at. You still believe in some sort of sick social Darwinism, you have no humility, no compassion, no desire for purity, no respect for others, no perseverance, no patience, and worst of all, you have a very flawed perception of love. You would be a terrible husband! I am so thankful that I am not and have not ended up with you.
But after hearing about good marriage stories and bad ones, I'm sure that if we had stayed together, both of us would be miserable. I have already seen your stripped naked soul and habits, and honestly, I know most of it would not change after settling down with anyone. We would have been so unhappy in the long run because of our differing values. Additionally, we would have been so unhappy because you honestly do not know how to love (love - not be in love). I have a right to blatantly point this out to you because even if I improved myself as a person, your incapacity to love would not change because you refuse to think or open up about things.
However, I do blame myself in carelessly entering into the relationship, knowing that I wouldn't want to every marry you anyways.
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You have even told me that you feel like there's something about me that you don't know. My mind was clouded at the time but here is what I know now: my faith is the biggest part of me that you did not allow yourself the chance to know. Every time I would share bits of pieces about my faith, your oh-so 'open-minded' self would shut me down. Every. Single. Time. Okay so yes, I'm a bit bitter about what happened and have even vocally expressed this to you. But you did not even allow yourself to know the part of me that you seemed so curious to know at one point because of your pride. You were also extremely disrespectful. So you being so disrespectful, why the hell would I open up more about what is important to me (and more importantly, why did I bother to stay with such a disrespectful person)?
You could do so much better - I know you could. So why don't you? Why do you let your selfishness and pride and fear of responsibility stop you from growing up? What do you think you have to lose?
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