Still

I feel like it's been such a long time and there are still countless nights where I lie awake at night just thinking about you incessantly.  I'm trying really hard to let you go, I really am trying.  

What do I think about?  I think about the times when I felt betrayed, when I felt heartbreak.  I think about the times that genuine love flowed out from you to me - and those memories break my heart the most.  And I think about how we most likely can't be good friends in the future.  Perhaps we could acquaintances, but because being around you feeds memories to my brain, I definitely can't ever be around you for too much again.  Feelings would come back if I did, even though I don't even like you as a person.  Additionally, I am pretty sure the feelings would back for you, too.   And we can't let that happen because we're just so toxic to each other.

Telling me "just don't think about it" doesn't work.  It really doesn't, sometimes I really can't help it and you honestly won't understand unless you have experienced deep grief.  

But in these moments I really try praying - praying that God will take care of you so that I don't have to worry and stress over you anymore.  Praying that God will help you and I let go of each other.

There are still songs I can't listen to and places I can't yet go to again.  It's so stupid but I just can't let memories flood my brain like that again.  There hasn't been enough time and distance between us yet for me heal more fully.  I honestly doubt that I'll ever heal 100%, but close to it - maybe 95%.  Yet I hope I don't heal entirely, as well, because it's a result of this heartbreak that I can remember to be compassionate and sensitive to myself and others.

But still, it's still excruciating.  My heart still breaks every day.  I still have to take ZZZquil to sleep.  Thankfully I mostly only have to do with all of this during the nights though, but it's still a daily battle as fine as I may seem during the day.