Peace : Post III, Secret #22, and rantings

The one thing that caught my attention in the next hundred pages I read in Moon's book is regarding family.  I completely agree with what he discusses - that the family is the first step to achieving any sort of peace.  You don't get to choose your family members, but the mere fact that you know that they are family to you makes you 'more prone' to want to resolve matters with them whenever conflicts arise.  The older ones in a family also influence the younger ones in philosophy, behaviour, speech, etc... It's a great analogy when discussing the human race - we don't exactly choose to be born on this Earth, but we need to be willing to resolve matters like a family and whatever the older generations do or think definitely will affect younger generations.

Speaking of family, I feel like ranting about how screwed-up mine is and revealing to the rest of the world just exactly how evil has crept through this household.  I've never even told any friends about this, but keeping this bottled up isn't a good idea, and I don't want to try to guess my friends' expressions when I tell them this.  And only around five people read this anyways.

My parents never married because of love.   And here's the secret - before my birth, I was supposed to have an older sister.  My parents didn't have enough resources to support a child - and my mother tried to discuss what to do with the child, but my father could care less what to do with her.  With no other choice, my mother had to take a physical and emotional toll on 'disposing' of the child'.  When this news got to my father's side of the family, they basically described my mother as something close to a prostitute, and that the baby was her problem in the first place because Chinese culture is just so idiotically 重男輕女.  So this is the reason why I am very spiteful towards most of my father's immediate relatives and am ashamed to carry their name.  Marrying would be a good way to get rid of it.

Anyways, my parents divorced when I was six but we still lived together once in a while so that was definitely very confusing.  When I finally understood the meaning of a divorce ten years later it definitely was a very crushing hit to me - and that's probably when all my extroverted energy disappeared as I went through a rather suicidal stage and then began middle school as a shy person.  Within those ten years, I would often catch my parents arguing at the top of their lungs - and each argument ending up with one of them in tears - always talking about financial situations.  You see, my father had been earning a nice six-digit income for quite some time, but decided to venture out into the entrepreneurial world and try to start his own company, which my mother and I found quite stupid.  Also within those ten years, my parents were physically abusive towards my sister and I.  Being a guy, my father was obviously more abusive than my mother with his short and stubborn tempers.  I remember my father trying to throw some heavy object at me the first day I got my period - which is why I remember this day so well.  Also being a guy, my father would forget to close his doors late at night and I would catch him watching the most disgusting and perverted things I have ever seen as a mere nine year old.

My father was in Taiwan half of the time all the way up to high school, leaving a single mother to care for my sister in I in everything from finances, food, school, and extracurricular activities.  I know my sister and I are definitely very appreciative of my mother - we just don't exactly know how to express it.  However, my mother sought after Christ and the church community to cope with her problems, and it has definitely done good for her.  Some few years ago - my father basically charged my mother with lying about her methods of using her child support money from him. What I strongly disapprove of my mother doing, especially after she's been so immersed in a Christian environment after so many years, is that she would dare file a complaint back against him - which definitely was a hard blow to him because his passport is currently confiscated and his driver's license was almost, too.  And now they are basically filing court case after court case against each other.

I know that with the true retelling of the occurrences my sister and I have gone through, my mother could easily win this conflict.   However, both my sister and I - who live with different parents at the moment - have somehow both agreed not to become involved in our parents' conflicts.  I don't yet entirely know my sister's logic - but my logic is kind of a Biblical one.  I did some research and up to this point, I only know that legal interventions are only appropriate when discussion between the two parties is merely impossible.  Technically, my sister and I could be the ones to make this possible, but both parents are already knee-deep in a handful of cases.  What I am trying to search and pray for is whether or not I should intervene in any way because even though the Bible advises against such doings, part of me still feels some responsibility.

What I really don't like my mother doing right now is that she is bringing up past personal conflicts between my father and I, intending to show it in court, and using it against him to prove her case.  I would have sided with my mom, but both parents are so caught up with revenge that I find it implausible to help either of them. The consequence?  Because my mother is so unhappy with me not siding with her, I'm not going to have health insurance next year - and neither is my sister - because we refuse to help her.  Yes, I know she just got out of cancer treatment.  But just because you're sick, it doesn't mean we have to help you in something that you were not supposed to get us involved with in the first place.  I currently see my mother's acts as selfish right now.  I know my mother is trying to do this for a supposed greater good - to receive the money she deserves to continue her life in this country as well as support the lives of my sister and me.  But if my support has to stem from something as ludicrous as this - I'd rather search tireless for something else.  Plus, I guess this would force me into independence quicker anyways.

You see now?  Does this seem like the ideal family to any of you?  This is why I don't want a family.  This is why I don't want to get married.  What kind of family members sue each other and what kind of parents do this to their children?

Yet for some strangely odd reason, I do feel like I probably might end up married anyways.  If I do, I know what family and mentality of a parent not to have thanks to the family I'm currently in.