10:03 pm

I think rejection plays a big role in my life, or at least fear of it. Being rejected from all of the UC's I've applied to - having my educational dreams to be tossed and thrown onto the floor and then shattered! It's a tormenting thing to live with! I have obviously calmed down since that sudden, extremely unexpected breakdown - but definitely a part of it still lingers. I am very aggressive towards my future now. I want to be sure I have the resources and connections to travel the world! Before, I have refused to listen to any adult's advice like when they say things such as "it's important to have time" or "don't attend a school because of its name (reputation)", but now I heed every world of it. The only reason I might go to a UC first is that I'll have a higher salary to start off with - but that's about it.

Rejection also kind of plays in how I view guys, but not really. I guess some minuscule part of me is afraid of being rejected, but for the most part when it comes to dealing with guys, rejection is far off from what I'm worried about. My view of guys hasn't gotten any better since high school ended. In fact, it's gotten much, much worse - which unfortunately means that my standards are ridiculously high now. I think guys make excellent friends - there's a unique social trait in all guys that girls don't really have which I admire. However, to have to be stuck with one for the rest of a girl's life? To deal with his insensitive way of thinking and disgusting testosterone levels? I can't possibly fathom why women would ever depend on men! Why would any girl imprison herself like that? And no, I'm not afraid of commitment. But as I grow up and learn more of the real world, I find the ugly truth behind the ways of the male, especially how perverted they can be.

I guess you could say I think this way because I never really had a father figure in my life. It's hard for me to come up with decent standards in a guy so I just come up with an unreasonable one. My literature class this summer isn't helping much either, and it's just allowing my antipathy toward male partners to grow with each passing day. Though it's all fiction, it's based on fact. However, I am perfectly content with the way I am right now.

While I do agree men are somewhat superior to women (strength-wise and security-wise), it doesn't mean that women should constantly submit to them, either! So many girls make me feel ashamed to be a female. Too many, way too many of them depend on a male companion for their happiness and well-being. Though it's true that everyone wants to be loved, that isn't the only kind of love available in the world!

All this is is probably why I have ended my obsession of guys' looks. Honestly, it's nice to see how aesthetically coordinated a guy's facial features are arranged, but looks are always deceiving - and personality will count for the rest of him.

Though honestly, I do hope to one day find just one guy who will change my mind on everything. But then again, aren't all of us girls?