There are days when I just want to shoot you (I should just stop here haha!.... just playing) an email or a text and just ask how you're doing.. but that's just going to give the implication that I want to talk with you again when in reality I really don't, for the sake of protecting the little girl of a soul inside of me. All I genuinely want to do is know that you're doing okay.
To be honest, I often daydream of how conversations with you nowadays might go... but mostly just based on how our previous conversations used to go - me just telling you to back off because it's not emotionally healthy for either of us to be talking with each other (I know, it's stupid, but I guess I still think about it). And then I would tell you again and again that at this point in time, I can only have all or none of you. And we both know how much of a disaster it was having all of you, so the only other alternative would be to have none of you. But you, being a child, would not understand the potential emotional damage of us still lingering around in each other's lives. It's sad, but I love myself and I still have a love for you - and if that's true and if love is promoting the best for someone, then the best thing to do would to have us not talk to one another.
There's this quote I've been seeing quite often on tumblr lately ... "I will not be your 'sometimes'." - which is basically what I had become towards the end of our relationship, for surface reasons unknown why, but honestly, looking in the depth of it all, I knew why. That would have been a good response to have to you last month (and the months before that when you selfishly continued to reach out to me). "I will not be your 'sometimes'. Have me as your 'always' or have me as your 'never again'. Yet being your 'always' was toxic, so the only choice you have left is to never have me again. It's logical, it's truth, it's concise, it's mature."
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Honestly, though, I am still planning on giving you that letter. And if it is a mistake doing so, then I'll learn from that, too. But at the moment, I don't feel any restrictions of me giving it to you.
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