Indecisiveness

Another goal I hope to achieve for 2014 is not be and feel so indecisive.  This has caused me to be very unmotivated and unable to finish certain tasks.  I either want to do something, or I don't.  Stop wavering.  Follow my gut or what I believe my God desires me to do, and follow through with it all the way.

I feel like you are definitely a reflection and the epitome of my indecisiveness.  At first I definitely did not want to be associated with you in any way.  I'm sorry if you ever read this, but honestly I did want to experiment with what it would be like to have you as my own, regardless of religious affiliations.  I found it unfair how only Christians should only be associated with Christians.  If this was always the case, how are other non-Christians supposed to exposed to our faith?  So you were a sort of act of my rebellion - but looking back, I wish I never even started.

Yet here we are and we've come so far.  You've taught me so much about people, life, and love.  Because of you I am a lot less judgmental, more open to people and ideas, and unknowingly you allow me to think more maturely than I usually do.  You've taught me to be less selfish, I'm more than comfortable around you, and you always know the right things to say at the right time (or actually, the very last minute, haha.....).  How can I let go of you now, when you are constantly making positive changes to yourself to please me and keep me around for as long as you can?

How can I be sure that even a Christian guy would treat me this well?  I've always been resentful towards guys in general, and never really acted on crushes or anything because I generally despise the institution of marriage.  I've always thought that after having a boyfriend, my views towards marriage would change; but even after meeting you, I still don't know if I want to marry anyone.  I don't know if you would be someone I'd marry.

Yet largely because of you, my zeal for God has diminished.  The time that I used to spend with God and improving my relationship with Him, are all directed towards you now.  I still go to church, happily serve on the worship team, pray, do devotionals, and try to attend Bible study/youth groups when I have time.  However, I'm merely going through the motions at this point, trying to rediscover God yet it's not really "working" because I refuse to let go of you.  Honestly, though, you aren't the only reason.  Having my mother leave, having to work for myself, and adjust to a new school environment has definitely affected my spiritual life - but that discussion is for another post.

And I don't know if this is necessarily a good or bad thing, but meeting you and being able to attend religious studies classes at SCU has also had me questioning Christianity quite a bit.  I'm sure I will never doubt God's existence, that God sent His only begotten son and that whoever believes in Him shall have everlasting life, that Christianity is God searching for man, that a relationship with God is what we were made for.  What confuses me the most, though, and this is something I've posted earlier - how does the entire concept of salvation work?  How is it possible that because Jesus died on the cross, that all our past, current, and future sins are all paid for?  How does mercy and grace work?  How do you not 'take advantage' of that?  If it is the Holy Spirit that moves and breathes within people to do the work of God, and some people are never exposed to it - that's not really fair, is it?  You definitely made me realize that I was largely blindly following Christianity, but this just makes me want to wholly understand it because I know God is real.  I remember feeling the presence of the Holy Spirit multiple times throughout my life, and looking back on my life, God's hand was definitely over me.  I can't let God down, I want to understand this concept of godly love, salvation, and grace.

Yet you are a hindrance to this goal of mine and I knowingly refuse to let you go.