is very tempting, I will admit.
And wanting to give in to that temptation is also very tempting in itself, but I believe I will not falter. Part of me really wants to, yet I know of the dire consequences if I do.
This old family friend I haven't seen for ages finally saw me with my make-up and my hair styled (it's all in the make and hair!). For a few minutes, she was discussing with my mom how important it is to finish school and find a nice husband. My mom told her - you know, there have been a couple of guys that have tried to ask my daughter out and stuff but she's pretty much rejected them all, partly because none of them were Christian. And then the facial expression of her friend like '........... seriously? Your daughter is SO pretty - getting a good job and finding a good husband to support her is going to be so easy for her - and is going to be very important! In fact, that's the most important thing for a young woman! It doesn't matter if he's Christian or not.'
...um.
Honestly, I have nothing against this family friend. She's a very confident, assertive woman and definitely knows what she wants in life and how to survive in this world. I understand where she's coming from - in fact, I understand where most people with mundane mindsets are coming from because I once thought like that, too.
However, being able to slowly but surely mature in my faith a bit more has really opened my eyes in that if I really were to go ahead and pursue the mundane things that everyone else is pursuing, I'll just keep pursuing emptiness after emptiness after emptiness And if I could be honest, I'm not suicidal - but I really do just want to leave this life pretty much 90% of the time. The world already has nothing to offer me, and relationships with friends, family, and fellowship other believers can only fill up so much.
I'm honestly only living life out of obedience and appreciation now. Jesus bought my life with a price, and to bring an end to this life myself would be an insult to him. I could never do that to my Savior.
And wanting to give in to that temptation is also very tempting in itself, but I believe I will not falter. Part of me really wants to, yet I know of the dire consequences if I do.
This old family friend I haven't seen for ages finally saw me with my make-up and my hair styled (it's all in the make and hair!). For a few minutes, she was discussing with my mom how important it is to finish school and find a nice husband. My mom told her - you know, there have been a couple of guys that have tried to ask my daughter out and stuff but she's pretty much rejected them all, partly because none of them were Christian. And then the facial expression of her friend like '........... seriously? Your daughter is SO pretty - getting a good job and finding a good husband to support her is going to be so easy for her - and is going to be very important! In fact, that's the most important thing for a young woman! It doesn't matter if he's Christian or not.'
...um.
Honestly, I have nothing against this family friend. She's a very confident, assertive woman and definitely knows what she wants in life and how to survive in this world. I understand where she's coming from - in fact, I understand where most people with mundane mindsets are coming from because I once thought like that, too.
However, being able to slowly but surely mature in my faith a bit more has really opened my eyes in that if I really were to go ahead and pursue the mundane things that everyone else is pursuing, I'll just keep pursuing emptiness after emptiness after emptiness And if I could be honest, I'm not suicidal - but I really do just want to leave this life pretty much 90% of the time. The world already has nothing to offer me, and relationships with friends, family, and fellowship other believers can only fill up so much.
I'm honestly only living life out of obedience and appreciation now. Jesus bought my life with a price, and to bring an end to this life myself would be an insult to him. I could never do that to my Savior.
2 comments:
Please don't leave. I know the feeling of wanting to leave. I have tried many times. But I realize even though I may be chasing emptiness and nothingness at times, I am still going for something. I don't know what it is but I just hope to find it one day. And I urge the same for you. You are strong and have overcome a lot. Please don't give up. Something brilliant is waiting for you. Sending much love and strength.
No, I won't leave. Rest assured, God is the only reason I'm willing to stay alive right now and He's always there and is always unchanging, which is something I can take great comfort in in this unpredictable world.
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