I've had strange dreams lately - going into the world of Alice in Wonderland, meeting people who have been sold in to the human trafficking industry, and running into someone whom I really don't want to see ever again.
My high school literature teacher Mrs. Otto sent out a reminder for next year's England trip. My mother says if I can get enough money, she'll let me go. I just hope it doesn't cost too much, but if my sister were to go to her France trip, it would cost around $3,500. However, Mrs. Otto says that we will be doing fundraising for this trip. So now I'm praying that my friends will be able to go on this trip and that money wouldn't be a problem. That's a lot to ask for, but if God doesn't have all this in His will, then so be it.
Lately, my spiritual life feels a bit idle. I notice that I do talk to God throughout the day, but only when I need help. This feels a bit extreme to say, but I feel as if I'm a Christian because I cannot deny the existence of God. I know He's always there, constantly watching over and loving on us; additionally, I do acknowledge Him as my Lord, Savior, best friend, and Father - yet i find myself not wanting to deepen my relationship with Him. Strange as it sounds, it's as if my mind is actually telling me to, but my heart is being lazy about it. However, God doesn't want or allow that - we must wholeheartedly give Him all - mind, heart, body, and soul - and I do wish to mature in my faith and relationship with Him - by any means - since I know Heaven is much lovelier, as is being in His presence.
Anyways, I meant to write this journal entry on the topic of love - specifically love in my life. The only group of people I can confidently say that I love is my friends - I'd do all I can to make sure they're happy. It feels strange saying I love my family, even though somewhere deep in my heart I do, because since my sister and I were little, our family wasn't very open to affection.
However, I will point out that humans are born to show affection. In our early years, my sister and I would be affectionate towards our parents, but we would never get any kind of response. Thus, I grew up in a family never showing affection towards one another.
Other things I can confidently say I love are my hobbies - music, photography, and traveling. I also really love nature, which I guess falls under the photography or traveling category. This kind of "love" is more of an admiration, or passion. It's still difficult for me to comprehend love in human relationships. I know love is caring for others, partly, but do I actually feel it myself? Honestly, I feel like I'm just "loving" out of duty.
Something interesting in my life is that I have never fallen for a guy. Yes, I have had quite a handful of crushes, but never a genuine feeling for any guy. I just actually despise how a male mind is wired, but I'm not going to get in to that.
Truthfully speaking, the definition of love is hard for me to grasp. Like I've said before - I know it but have trouble understanding and feeling it. Now this doesn't mean that hate and apathy are my only options here - because I definitely don't have any hate in my life. Apathy - sometimes.
Then I am reminded that if I don't understand the "dictionary definition" of love, that true love is actually not of this world. It is God, a person, and a spirit - as is truth:
Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not want what belongs to others. It does not brag. It is not proud. It is not rude. IT does not look out for its own interests. It does not easily become angry. It does not keep track of other people's wrongs.
Thus - the love that I express in my relationships is the love that I think Jesus would express (or at least the love that I try to express most of the time), since I can't seem to feel any love on my own.
Today I also watched Atonement, which I wasn't aware it was rated R. The love story doesn't exactly make sense, but I guess the general thoughts and feelings of the narrator are pretty clear. It's a sad love story with an made-up happy ending. And I despise unhappy endings. So I actually would not recommend this movie to anyone at all.
Oh yes - I am also in the process of learning some français. I still need to learn the alphabet and understand the accents and all. Français est très difficile. Bonne nuit, ma ..."journal".
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