7:53 pm

Senior All Night Party was... well, the first five hours of today. Literally, today, like from 12:00 am to 5:00 am, right before the sun rose. It was fun.

I am so confused. The fact that I am a high school graduate still has not hit me yet. My head just refuses to accept this or something. Two deaths occured this school year - my freshman physical education teacher and an old family friend - and those were way early in the year and even those haven't hit me yet! So why on Earth would graduation hit me?

And finding the answer to that question is driving me insane at the moment. I already know I'm not a very nostalgic nor a very sentimental person, but this is high school! So many things happened happened these four years! Perhaps it's because I didn't find these years particularily enjoyable, thus the ending of it all did little to me. I thought the ending of the all night party would leave me crying. In the end of every school year in elementary school I would cry, but that was before I knew anything about constant ideas of moving and divorce. Maybe it has to do with this trait of mine again - just simply being ignorant of the past.

But then I have another experience of mine where the previous statement doesn't necessarily hold true. In Taiwan a year ago, when having to leave that school in the countryside halfway through our mission trip, I remember crying lots because I knew I would probably never see these people ever again. 4:55 am this morning, I was told the same thing, yet my reaction was basically... nonexistent. Indifferent. Apathetic.

But don't get me wrong - I will miss high school. I will definitely miss some of the best teachers I've ever had, and of course, the friends that have stuck with me. But there are just so many things that I am so glad to leave behind as well.

I've lived through high school with quite a few regrets - and I admit these regrets can get to my head sometimes. I will just take the mistakes out of having these regrets, and make sure that they will never happen again in the future.

I t could also be that for the next two years (and hopefully no longer), I still am going to be staying in this city, so I guess that leaving high school and entering that next step in life "feeling" especially won't hit me for a while. And on top of that, I'm still living in this house, or at least still living with family. Whatever this reason of so lightly letting everything pass by is - I hope I find out soon. Or I hope I can get over all of this quickly.

And if I am wanting to travel the world, I need to find a way to cure my motion sickness, and prove to my mom that I can be independet under certain circumstances. There are just so many opportunities to do so, but my mother refuses to let me do so, thus I am never able to test myself out. It's extremely annoying. I think I've finally gotten into that stage of life where I want to push my parental figures out of my life. I never thought I would, yet here I am.

Also, people are very strange. Especially guys.