April 10th, 2011; 12:24 am

So I know it's late but what I'm about to write about is very important.

Today I went to Yahni's Vision School, and in the end, they had the Palestinian pastor speaker pray for the "students" (which included me). Yahni and this other staff member kept urging me to get my sort of "blessings" from this pastor, but for a while I refused, because I kep having that "burden mentality", that other people's prayers shouldn't be wasted on me.

Eventually, Yahni got me to basically "wait in line" to get prayed for. Before it was my turn, the pastor and everyone else prayed for this little boy who had walking problems. And we prayed and prayed and prayed, but still at the end, the boy had his walking problem. But God always knows about timing.

And even before we all started praying for the boy - and when we were praying for other people, I could feel God's presence again - something I have not really felt for a while. There was always one person we had to pray for, but I never really knew what to pray for, since each person that went up didn't really announce their requests to everyone else. So in my own prayers trying to pray for someone, I would ask God that what it was that these people might need praying for. And when praying for this one boy, I just saw an image of him with glasses, and it showed timidness. And then i later overheard the pastor tell the boy not to worry about his own image, and the same with this other girl - except that in my mind I saw vulnerability in her eyes instead of like glasses on her eyes or something. But because of these, I could really feel God in the room that we were in.

And then it came to my turn... When the pastor asked me if I had anything specific to pray for, I told him that I did, and that it was a rather sensitive subject, but I felt that now was the time to let it out. And as I was saying these words, the tears started coming and down and it became extremely difficult to speak.

But yes, I asked him to pray for my life regarding college. I think I confused him for a while because whil crying I guess I couldn't think straight. But eventually I got myself to tell him that college was very important to me, and that it greatly disappoints me that I didn't get into a four year college, and that I ahd to "stoop down" to the level of first going through a community college. And for some reason, he also knew that I had financial problems, which made me cray even more ( and it just shows that God is there, too). I don't really remember everything that he said in his prayer, but one thing that stood out to me (and continued to make me cry) was for God to let me know that I'm not the only one "suffering", so to speak. And I guess it's true - I'm not the only one suffering because of financial and nationally economic problems. He also prayed for me to be "bold", which I don't really understand, but to my current interpretations, I think it just means for me to go through the opportunities I still have strongly, and for me to make the best use of them. He also told me that God got him through college while he was penniless - and I think this will be one source of encouragement for me.

One thing I didn't mention before was that the reason this plan of going straight to community college disturbs me greatly is that I grew up in an academically-pressured environment, and that I currently attend a school where everything is so emphasized by academics. I also told him that for my whole life, I had planned to attend a four year university right after high school. And for my plans to be suddenly disrupted like this, I can't really handle it. Even now, a few times just remember what happend tonight, I still can'd hold back tears. He also told me something that I really want to remember but I just can't seem to at the moment... Hopefully I will sometime soon.

But for my whole high school career, I can't belive I let my life be dictated by academics and peer pressure. How dare I chose classes that I knew I would not have the heart for - and so thousands of my minutes have gone by wasted. It doesn't mean that I choose easy A classes, but yeah...

And now senior year is coming to an end. I've learnt a great deal of lessons this year, mostly thanks to friends. There are 35 more school days of school left to see everyone from our childhood. And for the first time in my life, I have become extremely sensitive to a topic regarding my education. I've always criticized other people for doing so, Yet here I am - in my most weakest state so far in my life. Who would ever know that I would end up like this?

I think the reason why I can't remember what to write anymore is because it's really late and I'm getting super tired. So, goodnight.