What a day...

My mother can't seem to start any day off without complaining. But for some reason I feel like I'm becoming more patient... kind of. I went to church today without talking to her.. and then she cried today and then messed around some stuff at my dad's place and my dad managed to remain calm so props to him. I just pray he can still remain calm. My mom really has become crazy, but arguing with her is pointless even though she knows she's wrong, so all I can do is be dumb and submissive. I cannot wait to go to college.

But then today, Pastor Dean at church talked about asking for forgiveness, even when we know we're right. I don't really understand that... like when I argued with my mom on Tuesday, the only forgiveness I can ask for is starting to argue with her... I can't go like "Oh, I'm sorry that I'm right and you have bad memory". Ugh. I want to get out of this house already. My mom says that my father is tearing apart relations between my mom, sister, and I. But my sister and I are fine actually, my mom has just been extremely moody lately for some reason.

And she keeps talking about how we need to be realistic about money so that we'll never have financial burdens in the future. I'm just disappointed in my mother. As a Christian, reality is nothing compared to what Christ can do through us. I'm still going to marry because of love, and find a job that I somewhat enjoy - I'm not going to live for money, I'm going to live for what God made me to live for. And in fact, after college, she can't deal with my life anyway so what should she care about how I want to live my life? Pastor Dean also went over a story of how some person let go of his medical practice to help with (drug?) addicts. His family thought he was insane but he felt like it was a calling from God. There's more to this world than money, you know.

Which brings me to another point. How do you know if it's a calling, or if God doesn't want you to do it? I remember people telling me that since I have such a passion for music, I really wanted to join Chamber Orchestra - but at times I knew I wasn't good enough. I didn't know if God wanted me to perserve regardless of the circumstances, or if He was telling me that this is something He did not want me to do. I just didn't know - and I still don't, and I won't until senior year is over.

Sorry about being random. But I definitely feel the relationship with my mother going downhill. I really don't know how to deal with her anymore. I don't know what else to do except pray and find some help in the Bible. It feels like life is just according to some procedure right now. I feel like I'm being tested. But it's amazing that I remained calm myself today. I remembered that day a few years ago when I felt real suicidal - and I honestly don't remember how I pulled through. It could either be talking to God, or listening to some music or something. I think I'm going to talk with God later before I do my gov homework.

And I don't think I'll be going to MV Root's prayer meetings anymore. I just find it awkward that other people have to listen in on my conversation with God, and so I'll just make a prayer sound nice or whatever and I don't like doing that. Call me immature in Christ, but I'm willing to further my growth in Him at the moment by not faking myself.

I wish I could cry. But coming back to America, my insensitivity has come back again. I don't know if that's a good thing or not.


Oh yeah and blogger was being really dumb but I managed to get my comments up and running again.