Heavenly Father,
I want to thank you for giving me the spiritual discerning friends and mentors in my life to stick with me through the ugly times and life. Thank you for having your Holy Spirit speak through them for me, and thank you just for creating them.
I have really been wanting to talk to this particular friend who's currently studying in New York - I really just love being genuine with her in our conversations and just being raw and real in life and our faith.
So as I've done to other friends and to even some spiritual coaches from groundwire.net, I explained to her my situation - except that now throughout the day I've had this idea planted in my head from a particular coach on groundwire. I'm not blaming that coach, but I guess I didn't give more context to what had happened the past few months (plus I also just feel like that coach was tired of talking with me ). He essentially planted the idea to simply message the person that's constantly in my mind but just say what I'm there for, and nothing else. I wasn't too sure of that idea, to be honest. It did bring me much peace for the rest of my day, but something still didn't seem right. So I just decided I would talk about it with my friend in New York.
After talking with her a bit, she gave me insight that I hadn't really thought too much about. She was saying that it wasn't fair for me to sporadically and spontaneously contact him, and then at the end of it all, give a message of "well you can't talk with me right now cause I need to protect myself", because then it isn't fair to him. And it's not fair to him because he still hasn't fully moved on yet - he still tries to keep me around, and tries to seek attention. And if I could genuinely love him as a human being, I should give him the space and the time to move on as well.
Then through thinking about this, I realized that I've just been using this (legitimate) excuse of 'protecting myself' to have the both of us not talk. In actuality, I've forgotten that I had been using this excuse because he says he still wants to talk with me while his feelings are there, but that he can 'control' them. So just for the sake of reaching the end goal but not with the correct reason, I've just been focusing on why I can't be talking with him. I haven't even been fully seeking truth, and pointing out that the both of had still been acting on our feelings and that we both need time apart. But talking with one another while the feelings are there doesn't help anybody. And so I've just been going with the assumption that he's moved on but I haven't, but just by seeing his actions, he also hasn't fully moved on yet.
So the longer I try to talk with him and pull back, I'm really not helping either of us, and I'm also not truly loving him as a fellow human being because I've begun to assume the fact that he's moved on when he hasn't done so fully. And it's just not fair for the both of us to have me keep popping up and acting on my feelings and have him do the same as well. If I really want to be fair and not have to have him think that he's moved on when by his actions he hasn't, I really need to stop talking to him to allow him the space for healing and restoration. Perhaps after he's done with the feelings from the relationship, he can truly begin focusing on himself?
I don't know - I'm just still worried about him. But I've been telling tons of people to be praying for him regularly - and it comforts me when numbers of God's followers are praying for a righteous cause, because I know God hears these prayers and is working on healing and restoring him.
But I just have to always remember, to be fair to him too, and to help him fully move on as I see that he's hasn't, I need to give the both of us time and space. Mostly just space, it will probably be endless time, haha.
Yet I know part of moving on is planning on never seeing and talking with the other person again, and I'm just still not at that stage, yet. I keep feeling like in a year or two I'll probably reach out to him, maybe even sooner. So Heavenly Father, I just pray that you help me truly let go. Maybe I will be able to let go and even talk with him in the future - but I just really want to entrust you to Him and I'm just having a really hard time, Lord. But I do thank you for my friend's wisdom and insight tonight: that I've been neglecting what's best for him - and that's what love is about. Love is about seeking the best interests for another person. I'm sorry, Lord, for continually choosing to still seek after my own interests in a seemingly righteous way, and not choosing to and eventually forgetting the truth that he hasn't moved on as well. And Heavenly Father, you know my heart and you know I'm not just saying that he hasn't moved on for the sake of making myself feel better, but that I've forgotten that people like us who have once been so intimate with one another just can't be friends again so easily, and I wish I could have continued to push that, but I didn't have any better explanation so I just gave a selfish answer.
Yet anyways, that is nothing to worry about anymore. I just pray that I am reminded of Your constant presence and comfort, and that I remember to love him as a person by giving him the space and time he needs away from me as well. I also trust that you are working in his heart, and I trust that you are hearing the prayers of myself and all of us who want the best for him.
In Jesus' precious name, I pray,
Amen.
After talking with her a bit, she gave me insight that I hadn't really thought too much about. She was saying that it wasn't fair for me to sporadically and spontaneously contact him, and then at the end of it all, give a message of "well you can't talk with me right now cause I need to protect myself", because then it isn't fair to him. And it's not fair to him because he still hasn't fully moved on yet - he still tries to keep me around, and tries to seek attention. And if I could genuinely love him as a human being, I should give him the space and the time to move on as well.
Then through thinking about this, I realized that I've just been using this (legitimate) excuse of 'protecting myself' to have the both of us not talk. In actuality, I've forgotten that I had been using this excuse because he says he still wants to talk with me while his feelings are there, but that he can 'control' them. So just for the sake of reaching the end goal but not with the correct reason, I've just been focusing on why I can't be talking with him. I haven't even been fully seeking truth, and pointing out that the both of had still been acting on our feelings and that we both need time apart. But talking with one another while the feelings are there doesn't help anybody. And so I've just been going with the assumption that he's moved on but I haven't, but just by seeing his actions, he also hasn't fully moved on yet.
So the longer I try to talk with him and pull back, I'm really not helping either of us, and I'm also not truly loving him as a fellow human being because I've begun to assume the fact that he's moved on when he hasn't done so fully. And it's just not fair for the both of us to have me keep popping up and acting on my feelings and have him do the same as well. If I really want to be fair and not have to have him think that he's moved on when by his actions he hasn't, I really need to stop talking to him to allow him the space for healing and restoration. Perhaps after he's done with the feelings from the relationship, he can truly begin focusing on himself?
I don't know - I'm just still worried about him. But I've been telling tons of people to be praying for him regularly - and it comforts me when numbers of God's followers are praying for a righteous cause, because I know God hears these prayers and is working on healing and restoring him.
But I just have to always remember, to be fair to him too, and to help him fully move on as I see that he's hasn't, I need to give the both of us time and space. Mostly just space, it will probably be endless time, haha.
Yet I know part of moving on is planning on never seeing and talking with the other person again, and I'm just still not at that stage, yet. I keep feeling like in a year or two I'll probably reach out to him, maybe even sooner. So Heavenly Father, I just pray that you help me truly let go. Maybe I will be able to let go and even talk with him in the future - but I just really want to entrust you to Him and I'm just having a really hard time, Lord. But I do thank you for my friend's wisdom and insight tonight: that I've been neglecting what's best for him - and that's what love is about. Love is about seeking the best interests for another person. I'm sorry, Lord, for continually choosing to still seek after my own interests in a seemingly righteous way, and not choosing to and eventually forgetting the truth that he hasn't moved on as well. And Heavenly Father, you know my heart and you know I'm not just saying that he hasn't moved on for the sake of making myself feel better, but that I've forgotten that people like us who have once been so intimate with one another just can't be friends again so easily, and I wish I could have continued to push that, but I didn't have any better explanation so I just gave a selfish answer.
Yet anyways, that is nothing to worry about anymore. I just pray that I am reminded of Your constant presence and comfort, and that I remember to love him as a person by giving him the space and time he needs away from me as well. I also trust that you are working in his heart, and I trust that you are hearing the prayers of myself and all of us who want the best for him.
In Jesus' precious name, I pray,
Amen.
----
The spiritual coach I talked with today wasn't entirely unhelpful; I also want to share something else from the spiritual coach that was shared to me - 1 Corinthians 4. It goes (NIV version):
The Nature of True Apostleship
This, then, is how you ought to regard us: as servants of Christ and as those entrusted with the mysteries God has revealed. Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful. I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart. At that time each will receive their praise from God.
Now, brothers and sisters, I have applied these things to myself and Apollos for your benefit, so that you may learn from us the meaning of the saying, “Do not go beyond what is written.” Then you will not be puffed up in being a follower of one of us over against the other. For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?
Already you have all you want! Already you have become rich! You have begun to reign—and that without us! How I wish that you really had begun to reign so that we also might reign with you! For it seems to me that God has put us apostles on display at the end of the procession, like those condemned to die in the arena. We have been made a spectacle to the whole universe, to angels as well as to human beings. We are fools for Christ, but you are so wise in Christ! We are weak, but you are strong! You are honored, we are dishonored! To this very hour we go hungry and thirsty, we are in rags, we are brutally treated, we are homeless. We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly. We have become the scum of the earth, the garbage of the world—right up to this moment.
Paul’s Appeal and Warning
I am writing this not to shame you but to warn you as my dear children. Even if you had ten thousand guardians in Christ, you do not have many fathers, for in Christ Jesus I became your father through the gospel. Therefore I urge you to imitate me. For this reason I have sent to you Timothy, my son whom I love, who is faithful in the Lord. He will remind you of my way of life in Christ Jesus, which agrees with what I teach everywhere in every church.
Some of you have become arrogant, as if I were not coming to you. But I will come to you very soon, if the Lord is willing, and then I will find out not only how these arrogant people are talking, but what power they have. For the kingdom of God is not a matter of talk but of power. What do you prefer? Shall I come to you with a rod of discipline, or shall I come in love and with a gentle spirit?
I bolded the verses that I thought would help with me in this situation... I even went through this with the Bible study group on Mondays but it's amazing how so much scripture slips through my mind. It's time to start memorizing and applying these to my life.
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