A future letter to you

Dear you,

Note well, that this is not a plea in any form.  We both know where we stand in each other's lives with regards to each other's separate futures.  Nor am I stating with this that the fall of what we had was entirely on me and that I am entirely to blame.  I just feel that there are still some things to reconcile, on my part, for what happened.  Also note that at this point in time, I am not regretful of anything that happened, but that I have grown tremendously from what occurred.  Nevertheless, whatever I will have to say to you in the future will always come to this:

I'm sorry I did not love you better; not be in love, but genuinely love you as a fellow human being.

It was not that I couldn't love you, as I was very well aware of what real love does and what real love looks like, but that I knew what was best for the both of us and did not carry out those actions to show that I loved you as often as I should have.

I'm sorry I allowed us to rush into things without realizing the virtue and blessing of patience in a healthy relationship.

I'm sorry that I didn't even love you as a friend - that I didn't be the one to support you to grow as a person, to wholesomely share in your burdens, fears, pains, and joys, to intentionally do life with you, and to take the effort to understand your perspective of things.  I'm sorry I didn't compliment you on your strengths and didn't care about your weaknesses as I should have.

I'm sorry that I didn't fully carry out the responsibilities of being with you - of sharing in and being supportive of your goals and dreams.  I'm sorry I judged harshly and did not give criticism constructively or in a loving manner.

I'm sorry for my pride.  I'm sorry that at times you felt terrible as a result of my words and actions because all I wanted was to feel better about myself for the time being.

I'm sorry for being so quarrelsome and wanting to pick out arguments with you because of personal self-esteem issues.

I'm sorry I decided not to be vulnerable with you and intentional in resolving conflict.

I'm sorry for being so incredibly selfish at times.

I'm sorry I held onto the bitterness of past ways you had wronged me during the relationship.  You also had responsibility in this - but I'm sorry for not understanding that forgiveness isn't just a one time thing and being so quick to point out wrongs.

I'm sorry I was seldom honest with you.  I knew that being honest would definitely end the relationship but because of fear for that, I continually chose to lie to myself and to you.

I'm sorry I didn't try my best to comfort you during your times of stress, but instead decided to worsen it.

I'm sorry I didn't fully communicate to the extent that I could have.  I'm sorry, again, for not being vulnerable with you but instead deciding to harden my heart for a bit.

I'm sorry I was stubborn to acknowledge that as a human being, you crave affection and the notion that you are wonderfully loved.

I'm sorry I didn't take the risk to fully trust you.  Granted, you are to blame here as well, but I won't go into too much detail into this as I'm sure you know what you've done.  However, I admit that I could have made better decisions but I chose not to.

I'm sorry I was so quick to give up.

But I'm also sorry for allowing the dragging the relationship on as long as it did - if I could have loved you better, I would not have allowed the relationship to continue or try to keep the both of us in it.

I also want to apologize for not respecting you - your space, your time, and your body.  I'm sorry for not giving you the chance to be yourself, to be with friends, to be with family.  I'm sorry (to myself as well) for doing certain things with you that I'm ashamed of doing.  I also apologize to the lady you will end up with.  I'm sorry I did not respect your body or my own and that I wish we would have thought ahead to the dignities of our future spouses rather than taking part in undignified actions during our time together.

One thing I am truly regretful of was not encouraging you towards truth.  I regret not digging deeper to the heart of all of our issues, and I'm regretful of not revealing to you the truth I had found in Jesus Christ.  However, that is something I personally can't do much of at this point in time.

I feel like I could have easily complained about many things that I'm still upset with you about, but seeking to rethink and relive painful memories really does no use anymore.  So instead, I'm hoping that you accept my apologies and recognize that I realized I did not love you very well.  I'm not expecting anything from you anymore - but I do hope you understand that you are also guilty of all the things aforementioned.  Of course, it would be difficult to understand this if you didn't take the time to intentionally examine your own heart.  Please remember this letter and find someone - a friend, a lover, a group of people - who can wholeheartedly love you for you.  Of course I'm not saying that you'll find another human being who can love you 100% perfectly, but that I hope that, after seeing what love is not, you seek after what love is and find a person or a group of people who can offer that to you.

Through this letter, I'm also not saying that you have no faults and I am a horrible person because I've done all of these things.  I'm only human, and I'm still growing and recognizing and learning from my mistakes - as are you (or at least I hope you are).

I hope you find it in my heart to forgive me.  I will always be praying that one day we can talk as friends again without having feelings in the way, as they're rather stressful to have towards someone whom we both know we don't want to be with.

I will also always be praying that you meet people or come across circumstances in your life to understand that love is patient, is kind, that it does not envy, it does not boast, nor is love proud.  Love does not dishonor others, is not self-seeking, is not easily-angered, nor should it keep a record of wrongs.  Love is not pleased by evil, but finds joy with truth.  Love always protects, always hopes, always trusts, and always perseveres.

I hope you strive for the utmost enriching love and that you never settle for anything less.

God bless,

Tiffany