... it's very subtle now though, but still there and in the back of my mind. I have a feeling you sense that, too, which is why you're willing to go through with this.
I still keep trying to find excuses. If you're not Christian, I won't 'convert' you because I know people can't convert people, only the Holy Spirit can convict you. It'd be a hopeless case and I'd only end up in disappointment. I'd rather not expect anything at all because I don't believe in 'missionary dating'. The problem with this is that, to put it bluntly, you could pull me down - that's ultimately what I'm trying to prevent. I don't want to not date you because you're not Christian, but because I'm afraid that I will put a potential relationship with you above my relationship with God. It's me, not you.
But what if I could find some way to keep myself accountable? And what if you could simply respect my beliefs and I could respect yours, would that be okay? Is it ungodly for me to think this way? For someone as apathetic and cold-hearted as me to finally be able to have the opportunity to have all these warm feelings, yet not be able to act on them.. that just confuses me.
I've said this before and I'll keep saying it again and again - the reason you found me attractive is because of my strong identity in my relationship with Christ. Because of His constancy and love, I have become who I am now. If you did pull me down in any way, my relationship with Christ could falter and whatever captivated you in the first place would dwindle down too. The further I am away from Christ, the less attractive I will be to you. I keep thinking that perhaps this could help you keep me accountable as well, but this could be a foolish thought, seeing that I've only known you for three weeks, too.
When two people date, they don't have to be prepared for marriage, but marriage has to be in the back of their minds. I don't want to date just to 'explore' and 'experience', that's basically carpe diem for idiots (this is what my parents think, though). Yes, it's true that the stronger the feelings and attachment, the greater the joy will be, but the heartaches will be just as great, and I don't handle heartbreak very well (actually I don't think anyone does, haha.. if they did I don't think they'd be human...)
I like how you say you have faith. I'd love to get to know you better, but not through dating. I want to see if this maturity and respect are really strong parts of your personality, and you're not just trying to impress me. If I could have this time to see if you truly are what you say you are, if you are persistent, and If I'm still around, I honestly think I'll reconsider things. But the chances of all that happening simultaneously? Not likely.
However, if I had to give a concrete, finite answer to how I'd describe this relationship, it'd probably just be two good friends who know they have feelings for each other. If I were to introduce you to anyone I know, I'd simply introduce you as a friend.
Yet you.. how can you suddenly make me want to think this way? Life would be so much better if I didn't have to worry about a potential significant other not being of the same faith all the time. How can you make me suddenly want to go down a more difficult path in life? What is it that makes me want to do this for someone who is not in Christ as I am? What's making me settle for less?
Yet at the same time I don't even understand why I'm trying. I know I am emotionally capable at distancing guys to a 'just friends' level. Even if somehow being and talking with me for this time, you are convicted by the Holy Spirit, you would change, too. Because how can anyone not with the Holy Spirit inside of them not have some kind of change in who they are and how they live? And if you change, perhaps the kind of person you are attracted to will change as well. And if you change, perhaps you would not be the kind of person that I am also attracted to. Either way, it just wouldn't work. So why do I still bother trying to keep any kind of friendship with you?
All this will be kept in the back of my head during this next period of this life of mine... who knows? Maybe we'll tire of each other quickly and then I wouldn't have anything to worry about. I had this dream, though, that you finally found interest in another person, and even though I was a bit upset, I still gave you my blessing. I would honestly rather have things end like that.
I will just.. have to pray a lot. A lot. A lot. And will need a lot of prayer. I want to maintain a good and friendly friendship with you, but I have to distance myself from you for the time being.
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