it's usually one of two things. The first is that why, in Cupertino, as a teenager, am I hyper-aware of spiritual warfare? Why me? Why am I the one to notice (and somewhat fear, to be honest)? If I could say truly - it's actually come to the point where it's almost like loneliness. There's no one around my age with the same socioeconomic status that can understand what I go through. Granted, I'm thankful that I do have certain fellowship groups that can help and understand me as well but they really do have better things to do, especially since I'm a lot younger than them. Then I begin to ask myself, well why isn't Jesus enough?
Which brings me to my second part - why is it so hard to love for me? Love is still and has always been an extremely abstract concept. I know deep in my heart, though, I do have love for random things like music and I sincerely do love my friends. Do I love my family? I don't know. I always have to be looking up definitions for things - for feelings, as if I truly am indifferent and apathetic to everything because feelings of love and affection seem so foreign. The Merriam Webster definition says that love is 'strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties'. So I read that and think, alright then - what's 'affection'? And affection is 'a gentle feeling of fondness or liking'. But then again, I'd think why am I trying to find man-made definitions for love?
Honestly I do need to read the Bible essentially a hell of a lot more, but from my childhood to know about the knowledge of Jesus, love is sacrifice and selflessness. And those verses from 1 Corinthians comes to mind - 'Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily-angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, it always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.".
So there was a time I'd try to do those things - especially for my mother during the beginning of her chemotherapy. I tried my best to be patient and my time with friends was significantly reduced. I helped out a lot more around the house and did a lot of things for her, It was honestly a rather short period of time .. but even then - did I feel love? No, I didn't.
So why can't I? I'm 19 years old have never even 'fallen in love' with a person yet. I can comfortably say things like I've fallen in love with music and nature and things like that. But have have I fallen for people, do I even love Jesus? The answer isn't no or yes from me, so I really do not know.
Yet, one great disadvantage of any kind of love is having your heart break - and Jesus' heart has been broken to some of the greatest extents. I know that I've always had a fear of having my heart break, but I think personally for me, without have heartbreak, I probably will never learn how to love.
Which brings me to my second part - why is it so hard to love for me? Love is still and has always been an extremely abstract concept. I know deep in my heart, though, I do have love for random things like music and I sincerely do love my friends. Do I love my family? I don't know. I always have to be looking up definitions for things - for feelings, as if I truly am indifferent and apathetic to everything because feelings of love and affection seem so foreign. The Merriam Webster definition says that love is 'strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties'. So I read that and think, alright then - what's 'affection'? And affection is 'a gentle feeling of fondness or liking'. But then again, I'd think why am I trying to find man-made definitions for love?
Honestly I do need to read the Bible essentially a hell of a lot more, but from my childhood to know about the knowledge of Jesus, love is sacrifice and selflessness. And those verses from 1 Corinthians comes to mind - 'Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily-angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, it always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.".
So there was a time I'd try to do those things - especially for my mother during the beginning of her chemotherapy. I tried my best to be patient and my time with friends was significantly reduced. I helped out a lot more around the house and did a lot of things for her, It was honestly a rather short period of time .. but even then - did I feel love? No, I didn't.
So why can't I? I'm 19 years old have never even 'fallen in love' with a person yet. I can comfortably say things like I've fallen in love with music and nature and things like that. But have have I fallen for people, do I even love Jesus? The answer isn't no or yes from me, so I really do not know.
Yet, one great disadvantage of any kind of love is having your heart break - and Jesus' heart has been broken to some of the greatest extents. I know that I've always had a fear of having my heart break, but I think personally for me, without have heartbreak, I probably will never learn how to love.
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