Here is my long 2012 post! Since tomorrow night I will not have time to write this up as I will be celebrating the first few minutes of the new year elsewhere.
I had a talk with a friend the other day about what the biggest thing I learned this year was. The first thing that came to mind and still comes to mind is that boys are lonely people too. I know this seems like a really ludicrous lesson, but because of my bitterness towards the male gender sometimes it's hard for me to grasp that they have feelings as well. The disgusting acts of one guy would set me off on a hating rampage towards the entire sex. But then I realized, that's almost equivalent to racism... Just because one middle-eastern citizen decided to bomb the Twin Towers doesn't mean that all middle-eastern people are terrorists.
Speaking of race, in the very last part of this year I had tons of discussions about race/ethnicity after what happened when a friend and I went to another part of the area. I admit I still am going through that process of whether or not I want to be a banana or not. I will say though that I am probably more American than Asian, culturally. I grew up around American movies, music, games, TV, people, the language. Even though I'm not entirely happy with the mindsets of many people in this country, escaping to Asia definitely will leave me in more misery. These superficial things are so ridiculous to me a lot of the times I honestly think 'okay who the hell cares I'm just going to be whatever I want to be and like whatever I want to like' and then those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. This was the year I also had that interesting geography teacher who only believed in one race - the human race. That is definitely a very sincere thought, but even in her class it felt like she was showing signs of favoritism based on classmates' races. I've noticed a lot more inequality towards anyone who isn't white, so I guess I can be thankful of that ignorance being taken away. The experiment of whether all nations of the world can peacefully live together in one place is a risky one and is still ongoing right here in the melting pot. I guess I will say though that if I were white instead of Asian, I'd probably be a very proud person and that wouldn't be good for anyone. There's a reason why God chose this soul and this body to be one.
And speaking of God, the very last part of this year I also feel like I've been feeling the Holy Spirit stir so much in me. I've never had the thirst to read and learn so much about Christ and His word. Part of this 'sudden interest' stems in my awareness of the devil and his league. For some reason I'm always afraid that they will physically harm me or physically appear before me. They could never harm me, as they are not allowed to touch anyone who was accepted the Holy Spirit into their heart. They have however, appeared to me in other ways, so night time and sleeping has become a daily struggle for me now. The reason I sleep so early now is because I need my mother awake so I can fall asleep knowing that a human soul is near my side and conscious. This is actually pretty bad, and it comes to show that part of me doesn't trust God (and I am definitely working on that). Yet if I ask, help and protection will be secured. For some reason, the devil loves attacking me in my sleep. Yet I notice that if I do pray for peace in my sleep, I do get peace in my sleep. I think it's also a reminder from God to continue praying as often as I can. It's not good, though... to always be reminded that sometimes there are demonic presences in certain places but oddly enough, that's what is getting me closer and closer to God. I just really need to talk to other people about this stuff and I'm just really looking forward to the women's Bible study group and the worship team Bible study group to start again next week. It isn't enough to simply acknowledge that God exists, which I do wholeheartedly acknowledge. The challenge for me is to wholeheartedly love Him back as He does for me, and it's really difficult for someone like me who can't really say "I love you" to people.
Going back on the topic of boys, I realize that I'm not a ask-me-out kind of girl. If I don't know you well, I don't want to go just one-on-one with you somewhere. A large part of the time spent will result in idle chitchat, and to have to do that for hours is exhausting. If I were to have a boyfriend I'd have to understand him as a person and a friend - flaws and insecurities and all - and vice versa, or else midway through the relationship there will be lots of disappointments. You can't have this kind of understanding merely through dating alone, when both parties are just trying to impress each other all the time. It works for other people, but not for me. This year I also experienced what real infatuation feels like, and that it'd be best to snap out of that feeling as soon as possible.
This year was also the year I learnt so much French! I look forward to learning more about the language, culture, and people winter quarter as I adore so much about all of it. In addition to French, I've also found so many other languages really interesting, but not that interesting that I would learn about it. To me, Farsi is essentially the French of the middle east. It sounds so beautiful, but it's a shame that at times the sound of Farsi brings up feelings of what the sound of German can make certain people feel...
Something strange happened this year. After I cut my hair off, I hated talking to people (in general, not specific people). I didn't 'crawl back into a shell' or anything, I just felt like only talking to people I already knew, and that's what I did for about 9 months of this year. I have made new friends at school and on the worship team, though. I was talking to my friend Katryna the other day and both of us are alike in that we're not shy - we just don't like initiating conversations or talking to people we don't know very well or don't click well with. Like me, I don't mind speaking publicly and there are Sundays where I have to sing and play guitar in front of more than two hundred people, yet I'm completely comfortable with that. So the reason I don't talk much isn't because I'm shy.
I went to four concerts total this year - Coldplay, Summerfest (or just Ed Sheeran), The Script, and Two Door Cinema Club. This year I realized just how important music is to me, and how much more comfortable I feel in a music setting (most of the time... sometimes being on the worship team can be pretty intimidating).
This is all I can think of for now, but as I think of more things I'll add them on here.
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