I have a lot running through my mind right now. If you're too lazy to read through what I'm about to write, I'll summarize it all by saying I've been thinking a lot about race and self-identity lately - not that I don't think of those two things often enough already.
Basically, something happened on Saturday that made me distraught - not angry. I talked to quite a few people in order to get myself back to a peaceful state of mind, which I have returned to, thankfully. However, things like this do leave tracks and I most likely will never forget this - but I will use it to my advantage in the future.
One person I talked to regarding this event was an older lady by the name of Elaine, who is part of the Valley Church worship team. A few weeks ago, she asked me out for some coffee in the morning. Honestly, I didn't know what to talk about with her and we had conflicting schedules anyways. The day after that certain event happened, I decided it was time for coffee and to talk to her about this, since she herself is also first-generation Asian American but is of a more mature age, so she has gone through a lot more of life than I have.
It was interesting - she started off our conversation by saying "Well, I felt like God was leading me to talk to you - so here I am!" It's just funny because she proposed coffee weeks before Saturday happened. Anyways, my general question to her was how she dealt with growing up as an Asian American, especially when there were a lot less Asian people when she was younger.
One big difference between her and me is that she's always had pride in being Chinese, while I don't really have pride in being Taiwanese (or rather, I lost it). She is also very opinionated, confident, and extroverted - so she's always known exactly where stands. How she is similar to me is that she recognizes God made her a 'different person' in a country such as this one. There's a reason why we're Asian in such a white man-influenced world. What being Asian has done for her is that she's been able to be a bridge in the neighborhood she grew up in all the way east in Pennsylvania (where there's even less Asians). Though Asians are viewed as the 'model minority', she was kind of in the middle between 'white and black' people, and thus she has a diversity of friends in terms of race and ethnic backgrounds. I'm only 19 so I don't expect to know what my reason is - but I sort of have the advantage of jumping between two worlds, even though I'm too Asian to be American or too American to be Asian. The way I look makes me fit in in Taiwan, but the way I speak and act basically defines me as American. So it's not really being in two worlds that I get to do, but more like... being limited in both because I'm missing something (basically something not as advantageous as I'd like it to be so I don't get why I'm talking about this).
However, I never really had a problem with the way I looked. I never want to dye my hair any other colour (and when we're all old, all our hairs turn gray anyways) and to be honest, I'm rather pretty for an Asian. I used to think that as long as I looked presentable, no one would really care - which is basically my own philosophy of seeing people for the first time. But Saturday and many other minor instances before proved otherwise.
It's a very delicate line to walk, not being white in a white-influenced country and also not being able to fit back into the culture from whence our ancestors were born. Another friend I talked to has told me that we, Asians growing up in an American culture, are the emergence of a new ethnicity. Granted, Asians have been coming here for quite some time now, just not long enough yet for us to be associated with what the face of an American should look like.
I am not discouraged nor am I offended from what happened on Saturday, essentially the ball's just rolling faster regarding my thoughts on race and racism. I will say that my mind literally went blank for a while that day, but the feeling of anger would definitely not be making myself think and react in this particular way. I think the root of the problem was that I adored European culture to the point where I began worshiping it, and worshiping anything other than God is idolatry which leads to dire consequences. I was going to take a break from this adoration for a while too, slowly though, but what happened on Saturday made me drop this adoration a lot quicker. I still love it all - America's just a different story and to my point of view, sometimes a never-ending social experiment. I have to decide whether I want to be 'banana or not', and until I can decide my own cultural identity, which I've been having a crisis trying to do in the first place, I will continue to remain distraught and uncomfortable with myself. I think this decision will take a long time, though.
It's not that I've been entirely sheltered - I, of all people, am essentially hyper-aware of racism. It's just usually been more subtle towards my own being. This event also happened right in the midst of my own cultural-identity crisis and the discussions of race & ethnicity in my humanities class, which is why I am treating this like a big deal (because it is a big deal!). And it really just depends on the person. Prejudice is inevitable, but how an individual decides to act on those biases is what usually causes problems.
And to my friend who was with me that night - I didn't hear whatever was said directed towards you. But knowing that these people were insulting us based on our immediate physical appearances, I can easily guess what they might have said. I remember I talked with you once in person about something of a similar situation happening before, and I know other people have talked with you (probably in person too), but those conversations seem to have ended up to little or no avail. I hope you won't end up getting hard feelings for people of their kind or for that area, because you and I know that it is a very beautiful place - narrow-minded people shouldn't be the reason that that place has become repulsive. And so far all we know, it's those particular people with those immature mindsets. I'm not necessarily mad at them - but just by what they've said to us, you can immediately assume that they're rude, ignorant, arrogant, cold-hearted, and just plain annoying (and most likely not sober). I don't think you should let people like that ever affect how you feel - the words coming out of people with those kinds of mouths are never worthy of what you are as a person. Especially for high school, we've been walking around in a bubble inside of a bubble. If we really want to leave Cupertino and go far away from here, the world's just going to get crueler and crueler and we eventually have to learn how to be comfortable with ourselves and stand our ground.
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From this racial/cultural identity discussion, Elaine talked with me about self-identity in general. For every person, self-identity is like an egg, or an olive. Or basically any other kind of edible thing with layers. The innermost layer is what you truly are, and for us - it's being a follower of Christ. I will try my best to refrain from using the term "Christian" here because I've realized we're not necessarily "Christian" and in addition, most people have a negative connotation of the word "Christian" anyways. So if I do happen to use the word "Christian", just understand that what I do is not follow a religion, but nurture an intimate relationship with Christ where love is the answer for everything.
Anyways, I never really think of my identity as a follower of Jesus. I know I have it, it's just not something I think about as often as my racial identity. Elaine says both my 'Christian' identity and my racial identity are related in that I don't know where I stand on both parts, which is why I am so confused and uncomfortable with myself to a bigger scale than I should be. To be honest, I am an extremely immature Christian. I know 'the gist' of the Bible, but when it comes to talking about Bible verses with people, I can't do it because I barely know any Bible verses! People in the church say its essential to put on the armor of Christ everyday when you wake up in the morning - and one of the constituents of that armor is the memorization of Bible verses by heart because you never know when a Bible verse may be God trying to speak to you in a certain situation at a certain time. Memorizing Bible verses has been troublesome for me because it's really hard for words to truly speak to me. Lately, more and more words have been getting to me, like in song lyrics and in the novels I read. Though I grew up in a non-denominational church, reading the Bible is still like reading a fairy tale. I have to read books about the Bible or discussing the Bible rather than read the Bible itself in order to take it seriously. Even though I have this problem with reading the Bible, I'm still going to try my best to memorize Bible verses anyways.
I also asked Elaine how so many attendees of Valley Church are easily able to materialize God - as if He's always sitting or standing next to them somewhere. She says it really is timing, and how much you want it. I know I really want it - in fact I have felt it for short periods of time, like those 'spiritual highs' that only lasted a few days. But these people constantly feel God's presence as if they don't even have to try to 'feel' it because they know, see, and hear Him as if the Holy Spirit were still in human form today and at the top of their phone contact list or something. If I really want it, He's there; prayer is definitely a great way begin to materialize God. Also, time with the Word is essential, as well as memorizing Bible verses. I just find it kind of stupid how I did something like a mission trip a few years ago. How could I possibly help other people in their walk with God when I'm not even really dedicated to mine? Probably one good step for further dedication is that I can stop cussing. I still think the idea that followers of Christ aren't allowed to cuss is a skewed idea, though, because society associates profanity with 'bad people'. A'Christian' shouldn't be allowed to swear because that immediately associates them with 'bad people' - and we have to continue to do things that are glorifying to God. Cussing isn't glorifying God because if it's known that a 'Christian' is cussing, it looks bad for them and ultimately looks bad for God. Anyways, that's kind of a side-tracked thing - but I think I will talk about this with someone some day.
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Then after talking about race and religion, we somehow got to the topic of me in general. This part isn't really important, but she kept telling me how I have this special presence and how I have these (spiritual) gifts and I don't even know it. I do understand that I am unique in a sense - I hold strong to my beliefs, I don't really think about boys as often as other girls do, I like to please people up to a certain extent..., I stand firm in my decisions, I'm way too contemplative, and I don't have the same outlook on life as other (Asian) 19 year-olds do - which is why Elaine thinks that my future significant other might be some several years older than me. It's funny, because I've always had that thought too - that I couldn't possibly be with someone close to my age. I know I often list my 'standards' and 'requirements' for a guy, but honestly, I just want someone who will eventually understand me more than I do, and can help me discover myself more than I could ever do by myself - in a loving manner, of course. This is the very reason why I don't really agree to dating personally - for a significant other to help me with my identity and possibly vice versa, he can't just be a mere crush and dating makes people infatuated even more, which will definitely do things like blind someone of the flaws of another person. When one is blinded, they definitely can't help the other person with self-discovery, nor one's self with their own trails and trials. I firmly believe that love is best when it emerges from a close friendship, which actually makes it all the more difficult because I'm the kind of person that doesn't like getting too close to guys. However, I am also the kind of girl who prays about and for her future significant other, whoever it may end up being. But when it does happen, and 'when I fall in love, it will be forever' (Stevie Wonder).
By the way, it took me an hour and forty minutes to type all this out.
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