I'm labeling this post as secret because I've never told anyone this before - although I'm pretty sure this will be fairly long. It's not a big deal or anything, I wouldn't necessarily call it a secret because friends who know kind of subtly know this part of me already but I haven't exactly openly talked about it.
And my thoughts on this are you know, the usual - 'oh how cuuuute how sweeeet how adooorable' but that's just me being an outsider, and observer. I'm always the most ideal kind of person when it comes to observing and watching - which is probably why I have kept my personality to be this way - to be the most ideal person that my brain and heart and soul is capable of doing - is to watch from afar.
But that's not the 'secret' here. I think the secret is, I'm afraid of falling on love - which is why I avoid it. It obviously could be a subconscious sort of thing, though, because I feel fine just saying 'oh sure you know when the right guy comes then I'll think about it' but deep down, for the most part, I don't want to find that guy because I'm afraid of that feeling. I already know that I don't handle jealousy very well. One reason why I am sensitive and indifferent and apathetic all the time is because my physical sensations are very intensely tied to my emotions. Sad? Stomachache and 'heartache' (stinging chest pain). Angry? Stomachache and headache. Jealous? Stomachache. Frustrated? Stomachache and headache. Of course, positive feelings have their nice sensations as well but love is 50/50 and if I have to experience physical pain 50% of the time, I don't know if it's worth it... The feelings of pain and suffering outweigh the feelings of happiness, joy, and fulfillment for me - and that's what I'm afraid of.
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