They've lived through 30 more years of life than I have and have so much more insight and wisdom (most of the time). The main reason why I don't talk to my father more often is because I don't live with him in the first place, and he's rather narrow-minded about important things. The main reason I don't talk with my mother as often is because she has extremely poor hearing and I don't have a lot of patience (I should be the one to fix that on my part).
Today I talked with my mother a bit more about her life, and what she wished she could change. For some reason my heart really breaks for her - all the grave mistakes she's made and how's she has ended up now. If I were her, I wouldn't have gotten married and had children either. And I still think this way (there goes the origin of my perception of romance.). She would most likely be in a lot better situation than she is now, and of course my sister and I wouldn't be born. Or rather, I'd like to think of it as our souls would have entered into different bodies. I guess I'm content with this particular body. It's just that it's not that fun being Asian and female in a world that is white/male dominated.
But we did talk about children - and I told her that I don't want children that I have to physically give birth to. I say my biggest reason is because I'm deathly afraid of the process of giving birth - I'm not physically fit for many things, and I don't have that much blood. Of course, technology continues to improve but a handful women still die while giving birth, and something keeps reassuring me that if I do give birth, I'll be one of those women. I wouldn't want to give birth to a child who is motherless.
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And so leads me to talk about another secret of mine. I won't marry because of looks; if you know me I'm definitely not that kind person. However, I'm very aware of who's decent-looking and who's not. If I do get married, and my husband isn't good looking, I'm sorry but I refuse to have kids. Yes, for fear of them not looking so great. It's not that if I have an "ugly" child I won't love them - it's because in this world, if you're not good-looking in any way, you will be treated worse and I'm not even going to apologize for saying this because that really is the truth - just look around and observe. I can't let someone into the world knowing ahead of time what could happen to them. No, I don't think this is particularly shallow of me. From my perception I think of it as being considerate and this way it'll prevent human overpopulation anyways.
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I also need to remember to write something about Perks Of Being A Wallflower on this blog one day because that was just one of the most magnificent movies I have ever seen.
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