Wow, I haven't updated for 10 days. Actually, I used to not update for years on this thing.
Anyways, lately I've been thinking about the "defining moments" of my life. Or I've been trying to think of them. I have remembered two so far.
There was this girl in sixth grade that I really hated, but she was so popular that tons of people wanted to impress her - and I was one of them even though she really pissed me off. I don't remember how, but we started talking on AIM quite often and she would occasionally block me because we would start into arguments.
It's just weird how up to the beginning of seventh grade - I didn't even think about socializing. Whenever I felt like talking to whoever, I did - and made lots of friends that way. It didn't occur to me that something was off with this another fellow classmate of mine in sixth grade. She was two years older than the rest of us, and would show us pictures of her friends her age who were pregnant or had kids already.
Sorry for the tangent - but continuing, this girl who kind of pissed me off was in an actual middle school while I was still a sixth grader in elementary school. In seventh grade when I finally went to the same middle school as her, we were in the same drama class. I remember the first day of drama, I ran into her and was quite shocked, and was introduced to her friends. Afterwards, we had to do some exercise that made us sound and look quite silly, and I really wanted to join everyone else and not care what these group of "popular and pretty" girls though. Yet, I did.
So from then on, I become extremely self-conscious and cared too much about what people thought of me. Sometimes I say I don't, but in actuality, I really do. There's a reason why I talk so formally and non-colloquially in people - I don't want to sound stupid. I don't like making a fool of myself. It's not that I'm serious, it's just that I'd like to be seen as a respectable young adult at times and not an immature pre-teen that some people my age act like.
Sixth grade was perhaps also the time where I cut off my "flirting". In elementary school, the guys I crushed on never seemed to like me back. And there was one that I didn't actually flirt with - I just talked to him a lot but it's stupid though because it's just stupid elementary school 'love'. Sixth grade was also the period where I finally understood what a divorce was, and that my parents had a long time ago - so that kind of shocked me. My parents didn't marry because of love, but knowing that a family could break apart like that was very confusing to me and I didn't know how to react. Basically, right after sixth grade, I promised myself that I would never allow myself to experience any sort of devastating heartbreaks. I either kept my distance from guys, or treated them as mere friends ... which is kind of the same thing but anyways, it's still what I do today. I absolutely refuse to flirt (but somehow for some strange reason, I do subconsciously once I start speaking Chinese; language is a weird thing).
Yes, throughout high school there were quite a handful of guys that I found attractive and some would flirt with me but I wouldn't really respond the way I think they wanted me to. I know what when I do crush on a guy, I am an extremely jealous person. Thus, most of my crushes in high school were just for the fun of it - enough to poke at my jealousy a bit yet enough to have someone admirable to think of. And the point was definitely to not like them enough to act on my feelings - and that has worked so far in my life.
Perhaps I've been so 'brainwashed' in my own thinking that it's the reason I can't really tell when guys are actually interested or just being super nice. So, to keep my heart safe, I just keep any guy I know as a friend. One day the sparks will between me and some guy will be strong enough to let my walls down.
But in the meantime, I don't really want to focus on that last "defining moment". I just really wish I could go back to being that strange, careless, outgoing me that I was before I entered middle school. I really, really wonder where I would be in life right now if I hadn't cared what those girls thought of me.
Anyways, lately I've been thinking about the "defining moments" of my life. Or I've been trying to think of them. I have remembered two so far.
There was this girl in sixth grade that I really hated, but she was so popular that tons of people wanted to impress her - and I was one of them even though she really pissed me off. I don't remember how, but we started talking on AIM quite often and she would occasionally block me because we would start into arguments.
It's just weird how up to the beginning of seventh grade - I didn't even think about socializing. Whenever I felt like talking to whoever, I did - and made lots of friends that way. It didn't occur to me that something was off with this another fellow classmate of mine in sixth grade. She was two years older than the rest of us, and would show us pictures of her friends her age who were pregnant or had kids already.
Sorry for the tangent - but continuing, this girl who kind of pissed me off was in an actual middle school while I was still a sixth grader in elementary school. In seventh grade when I finally went to the same middle school as her, we were in the same drama class. I remember the first day of drama, I ran into her and was quite shocked, and was introduced to her friends. Afterwards, we had to do some exercise that made us sound and look quite silly, and I really wanted to join everyone else and not care what these group of "popular and pretty" girls though. Yet, I did.
So from then on, I become extremely self-conscious and cared too much about what people thought of me. Sometimes I say I don't, but in actuality, I really do. There's a reason why I talk so formally and non-colloquially in people - I don't want to sound stupid. I don't like making a fool of myself. It's not that I'm serious, it's just that I'd like to be seen as a respectable young adult at times and not an immature pre-teen that some people my age act like.
Sixth grade was perhaps also the time where I cut off my "flirting". In elementary school, the guys I crushed on never seemed to like me back. And there was one that I didn't actually flirt with - I just talked to him a lot but it's stupid though because it's just stupid elementary school 'love'. Sixth grade was also the period where I finally understood what a divorce was, and that my parents had a long time ago - so that kind of shocked me. My parents didn't marry because of love, but knowing that a family could break apart like that was very confusing to me and I didn't know how to react. Basically, right after sixth grade, I promised myself that I would never allow myself to experience any sort of devastating heartbreaks. I either kept my distance from guys, or treated them as mere friends ... which is kind of the same thing but anyways, it's still what I do today. I absolutely refuse to flirt (but somehow for some strange reason, I do subconsciously once I start speaking Chinese; language is a weird thing).
Yes, throughout high school there were quite a handful of guys that I found attractive and some would flirt with me but I wouldn't really respond the way I think they wanted me to. I know what when I do crush on a guy, I am an extremely jealous person. Thus, most of my crushes in high school were just for the fun of it - enough to poke at my jealousy a bit yet enough to have someone admirable to think of. And the point was definitely to not like them enough to act on my feelings - and that has worked so far in my life.
Perhaps I've been so 'brainwashed' in my own thinking that it's the reason I can't really tell when guys are actually interested or just being super nice. So, to keep my heart safe, I just keep any guy I know as a friend. One day the sparks will between me and some guy will be strong enough to let my walls down.
But in the meantime, I don't really want to focus on that last "defining moment". I just really wish I could go back to being that strange, careless, outgoing me that I was before I entered middle school. I really, really wonder where I would be in life right now if I hadn't cared what those girls thought of me.
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