10:30 pm

Who ever knew growing up could be so mentally draining? Behind all the wantings of cardigans, low heel shoes, and curly hair, there goes the mental developments of sensitivity and knowledge.

I haven't been wanting to go to church for a while. I will still push myself to go, though. Every sermon I hear is so bland and lifeless. I am still praying and constantly in awe of God, and trying my very best to act as God-like as possible. But my desire to go to church has significantly faded.

Today I also attempted to buy a prom dress, but to no avail. All the dresses I liked were too expensive and all the affordable ones were horribly designed. Tomorrow I am going to San Francisco to buy a dress for an occasion I don't really want to attend, with two adults that disappoint me greatly. I just pray that tomorrow's trip doesn't leave me in disappointment again.

The reason why I am very disappointed today is because I really, really wanted to see the sun set today. Everything lately has just been so blah.. And my mom promised she'd take me to Vista Point today to watch the beautiful spectacle. And then she didn't. And wouldn't even let me bike to Linda Vista Park. Thus in my sadness and fury, I biked to Serra Park, chasing the sun. I had a huge headache afterwards because I haven't exercised for over a month, and the first time I do I use up all of my energy. But I did manage to get pictures of the sun setting. Not as amazing as I hoped it would be, but better than nothing. And I was content. I planned to see the sunset today and I did so. Next time my parents fail to carry out a promise, I will make sure they do something else in return.

Why did I become this sensitive? Just being able to see the sun will make me cry. And I am willing to let myself go near-fainting to see it shine during the golden hour. Perhaps my wanderlust is getting to me.

Last night's Open Mic Night didn't go as I had hoped. And by that I mean, I didn't expect to get stage fright. I have never gotten stage fright in my life. Ever. I have sung in front of crowds of people before, I have been a lead role in a play, I have acted strangely in front of large groups of people, I have done speeches perfectly fine. I don't understand the sudden fast-paced beating of the heart, the involuntary trembling, and the not being able to stay in the auditorium. I'm hoping the reason of all this is because I didn't get to eat my dinner. And I get really grumpy when I don't get my food. And there's also another reason why I might have gotten stage fright - but I'd rather not remember it. This is all I will say of it. Whether or not I will remember what this reason is is entirely counting on how well my memory is.

I also want to comment on why my English may have improved because that time I was severely depressed, I used English to express my thoughts. If I had used Chinese, my Chinese may be super good right now. But if I had used Chinese, I wouldn't have had the chance to perfect my cursive.

I wish I knew how to comfort people. It's like an unattainable super power.

I also really, really like this "Kiss Me Slowly" song.