So a number of things are going through my mind.
There's a reason why elders give the best advice - it's because they know way more about life than we do. My mom just explained to me what pushes her through life everyday, and well, from my own experience, I'm thankful that I am still breathing today.
But I remembered the time when I was one of the people feeling depressed and suicidal long ago. I don't exactly remember why, but I do remember that terrible feeling, and it's painful to go through. Be it parents, peer-pressures, or academic pressure, I'm sure everyone in this millenial generation have had thoughts of severely harming themselves, because we think our lives are not worth living.
I guess that's the wonderful thing about being a Christian. You know you have an almighty father up in Heaven who possesses this unconditional and unfailing love regardless of your flaws. And to have someone with such a heart, you can't possibly be so selfish as to worry this father by harming yourself. And you do know that He has great plans for you, so you leave your life in his hands - and in these lans of His, you know that He wants to keep you alive as long as possible. And he knows youu possibilities and limits. He won't test you on things that He knows you can't handle. And to have Him ultimately prove His love by dying for you! How can you let His death, resurrection, and love go to waste when it's all graciously and freely given to you?
But I guess what I was trying to say is this - adults, specifically Chrisitan adults, have the most precious kind of wisdom. Don't take it for granted, and it'd be a good idea to listen to them.
All the while my mother was telling her two children about her miseries, I was just further repelled to the whole idea of marraige. I know a self-sacrifice and a partner's happiness is important, but if I am unable to find a decent Christian guy who loves what I love, as of this moment, I vow never to get married, for the sake of at least letting my mother know that I will be living a fulfilling, God-pleasing life that she wants me to have. And if I do feel lonely, well, God is the ultimate companion.
I need to remember that in order not to make mistakes previously done by anyone, I need to take their advice.
And as amazing that Tangled and Boys Like Girls is, I felt compelled to listen to some gospel songs which have made me feel a lot better. Music really is a glimpse of Heaven. I seldom cry to music, but Christian music is the only kind that will make me break down and release everything.
So the reason why I'm kind of having an emotional catharsis right now... I feel really bad for my mother, and all she requires of me is to sleep well, eat well, and be happy - which are extremely simple things - yet sometimes I can't do them (like now at like 12:30 in the morning...) and it's just amazing that regardless of her hardships, she is still a lover of life and it's heartbreaking that she can still see so much beauty in the world. And shamefully, I must admit that sometimes I forget that my mother is human, too. It's just hard to believe that people who we have treated as head figures our whole lives also have had weaknesses.
Regarding my father, he really could care less about my life. He didn't even pay a single penny for the surgery. My mother, with the ample amount of money she has, is still willing to take my friends and I out to Disneyland, and spend all this money that she doesn't really have, or has spent a very long time earning. My father could care less. He just wants all of us to move to communist China where we freely receive money from their communist government. He doesn't want us to work at all, yet he wants cash flowing in. Even that, by the standards of the Bible, is foolish! Can you believe that he's even been baptized?! I have the strongest urge to cut off all connections with him, and start calling him by his first name or something. But at the same time, I know fighting fire with fire is an idiotic act, as love is the greatest weapon of all. But honestly, with decades of his heart turning to stone, I can't do it alone. I know God will help me to help him, and help him to help him, but just how long might that take? Absorbed in hatred, revenge, and ignorance towards my mother. This is what fulfills a person's life? really? You want to die and go "yes I have lived to make someone's life miserable!"? Well then you'd go to hell in a snap. However much I hate to say it, I would like it if I could see both of my parents in Heaven. I'll need lots and lots of prayer.
I think I am also going to start praying for my future husband as well haha like some of my friends have already started doing. I pray that first off, his love for God is as deep as or deeper than mine, that we are passionate about similar things, and that he be smart in life. Brains and race don't matter anymore as this year has kind of shown to me.
Pain really is God's megaphone. And I think I'm going to make a prayer list for what I need to pray about each day haha. And I'm going to write in Japanese because none of my family members can read it if I paste it on my wall haha~... except I just accidentally wrote some kanji haha darn it..
And now I'm going to go off topic and say that I've learned so much about people these few weeks. Everyone has the chance to be beautiful, and everyone is the same in the fact that we all go through hardships - so why on Earth point out our differences when we can all cry and laugh together? People need other people - the feeling of jealousy (not envy!) proves this statement. And small talk is actually pretty healthy socially, though many people would rather not do so. Everyone also has their strengths and weaknesses. Where one person may be week in one area, another may be strong in it, and vice versa. But you can't be everything, no one is that well- rounded. And I think my school refuses to acknowledges this. A lot of the students just want to evolve into super brains and create a whole new line of super beings or something. But when you die, none of that will matter! And I think i'm going to use that phrase a lot now. Maybe not that horrid sounding, but something more along the lines of "At the end of your life" or something.
And I have really got to stop slacking off on AP studying. In eight days, I have my last advance placement test, and I can not fail it. I need to continue my streak of getting at least 4's. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Sunday are going to be the only days I will be a bit more "live-y" before the AP Test. Besides, I need to be with people and friends at a time like this.
Writing really is good medicine for the soul, by the way.
I think this is the most I've ever written since I started this cursive practice thing.
1:09 am, goodnight.
No comments:
Post a Comment