These readings are picking at my heart more and more :/
So I'm sorry if my responses sound strange or if I don't even respond at all much
"When it comes to fellowship, size matters: Smaller is better. You can worship with a crowd, but you can't fellowship with one. Once a group becomes larger than about ten people, someone stops participating - usually the quietest person - and a few people will dominate the group".
Haha... like me? Not that it's anyone's fault, though (except maybe mine..)
"People wear masks, keep their guard up, and act as if everything is rosy in their lives. These attitudes are the death of real fellowship."
Well, this is mostly true.. but if some random stranger asks me how I am, I won't go like Oh my life sucks my parents are divorced we have financial problems I have sucky grades... Or maybe this has become way too much of a cultural thing.. But I don't know anymore.. because I don't really attend any small group fellowships.
"Never hold grudges."
"You must make allowance for each other's faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others."
This is helping my anger haha.. I don't really know how.. but I will just tend to let go of whatever angers me, letting my heart 比較安心一點
... well, here I am fully talking my heart out:
I don't feel comfortable in a youth group. Because of the stupid way I've been, I feel like people are so annoyed and disgusted with what I used to be, they don't like the way I used to be and they don't accept the way they used to me, so why would they accept me now? The only reason I go to church is to fully focus on God.. what if I'm not there for fellowship? D: Do I have to have group fellowships at the church I'm a member of? I remember in seventh grade I kept "church-hopping".. which God really doesn't want.. but I wanted to find a fellowship that I felt comfortable in... maybe when people didn't hate who I used to be.
But then again, it shouldn't be all about me. I know I should only care what God thinks about me and not what others or even what I think about me... but I guess in order to show this I do have to face rejection and humiliation.. I just pray for courage and an easy-going heart :/
For some reason, I want to say it's my fault and everyone else's fault.. but I don't want to point fingers or go too deep in that.
I will post 19 later today D:
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